What does ABCD stand for?

What does ABCD stand for?
-------------------------

America
Based
Confused
Desi
Escaped
From
Gujarat;
Housed
In
Jersey;
Keeping
Lotsa'
Motels
Named
Omkarnath
Patel;
Quickly
Reached
Success
Through
Underhanded
Vicious
Ways;
Xenophobic
Yet
Zealous

America Born Confused Desis

Amrikan Born Cute Desinis ;-)

Read more: What does ABCD stand for?

Laloo Jokes

LA LOO JOKES

* What do they call French Toilet in Bihar ?
La loo

* Once Laloo was coming out of Airport. As there was huge rush the security guard told Laloo "WAIT SIR" for which Laloo replied "65Kgs" and moved on...

* Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and Las Vegas. So he called up the Tourist department and asked them "Ji could you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begas...". The man at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down.

* Laloos family planning policy..
"Don't have more than two children in one year"

* At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." & the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE." The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?" Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."

* After having become the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to pose for a picture. To show he is down to earth CM he decides to pose along with a herd of buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the photo. Next day the photo appears front page of a newspaper. GUESS THE CAPTION "Laloo, third from left"

* Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business Development to Bihar. The Japanese Embssary was quite impressed with Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan." Laloo was very surprised. "You Japanese are very inepicient," he stated "Give me three days and I will turn Japan into Bihar"

* A reporter asked Laloo "What is the main reason for a divorce ?"
"Marriage"

* Laloo returns from a US tour. As he completes his press conference and is about to leave, he goes, "I would like to thank the president of the United States from the bottom of my heart and my wife's bottom too"/

Read more: Laloo Jokes

Driving in India

I visited Mumbai recently and agree with the observations about driving. For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer.  

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Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best and leave the results to your insurance company. 

The hints are as follows: 

Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both". Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess. 

  1. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality. 
  2. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction. Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself. Except for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better position. 
  3. Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead. 
  4. Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts) or just to mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar. 
  5. Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rain waters to recede when over-ground traffic meets underground drainage. 
  6. Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan). In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver and the peg of illicit arrack he has had at the last stop; his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously. Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads. 

    During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never show any signal. (And you must watch for the absent signals; they are a greater threat.) Only, you will often observe that the cleaner that sits next to the driver will project his hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just an expression of physical relief on a hot day. 

    Occasionally you might see what looks like an UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrim buses go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success. 

Unique to Indian traffic: 

Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi) 

The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. 

After careful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur and are licensed to irritate. 

Mopeds 

The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped" off the tarmac. 

Leaning Tower of Passes 

Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem (hell). There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers. 

One-way Street 

These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type. 

Lest I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also. 

Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a "speed breaker"; two for each house. This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence 
and is left un-tarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting. 

If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons between 8 pm and 11 am - when the police have gone home. The citizen is then free to enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' enshrined in our constitution. 

Having said all this, isn't it true that the accident rate and related deaths are less in India compared to US or other countries ?        

Source of the article is Unknown.


Read more: Driving in India

Call, Don't Ring

If you have lived in the US, you will realize that there is a difference in the American and Indian usage of the Engish language. The outcomes can be funny or disastrous, depending on the situation

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I have lived in the US a little over 30 years now, and am thoroughly Americanised in the usage of English. I come across the Indian version from frequent contact with the Indian embassywallas, Indian students and visitors from India. There are so many differences big and small, in the meaning and pronunciation, in the usage of the same language - English - between Americans and Indians, that it can be amusing and even embarrassing at times.

Many moons ago, the first time I went to McDonald I did not know what was meant by the phrase "to go" ( which means to take the food away and not eat there ). The girl at the counter asked me "to  go?" and I thought she was asking me to leave!  I was upset and retorted " I have come here to eat, why should I go?" It took some explaining on both sides before I could place my order.

Americans are very verbose in saying things, which in themselves are somewhat different from those in India. One almost always says "How are you doing?" when you meet an acquaintance, and the accepted reply is usually "Pretty good" and not just "Fine". The reply to "Thank you" is "You are welcome" and not "Mention not". But if you say thanks to someone like a sales girl, she is more likely to say "Uh-ha". Unlike in India,"Excuse me" deserves an answer like "No problem".

When you are about to part, sometimes, you have to play games of getting in the last word. Expressions like "see you later", "have fun", "take care", "have a nice weekend","don't work too hard", come in handy. I am also reminded about the use of the expression "Really". This is used to mean "Oh, I see". For example, if somebody asks you where do you work, and you answer "government", pat comes the exclamation "Really!", which a first few times sounds like they do not believe you.

There are a lot of words and phrases which are used differently. A funny example is that an "eraser" is never called a "rubber", because the latter is slang here for a contraceptive!  An Indian friend at a restaurant, when asked, if she would like anything more at the end of the meal, answered: "No, I will just take the bill". You should have seen the look on the waiter's face - of course, she should have asked for the check which she could have then paid with a bill(s).

Many American pronunciations are different from the British ones used in India. For instance, one pronounces "schedule" as "skedjule". Also "coupon" is pronounced as "q-pon". When the "i" is preceded by an "m" or a "t", it is pronounced as "my" and "ty" - for example the words "semi" and "anti". When it is preceded by a "d", unlike in India you do not say it as "die", but as "dee", for example the word "divorce".

An elderly Indian couple have been living in this country for the last 20 years or so. This incident occurred a few years ago. They were in one of those huge parking lots at a department store. On returning to their car after shopping they realised they had a dead battery on hand. So they looked around and the lady spotted a man about to get into his truck. She told her husband that she would ask that man if he could help them. She approached him. The lady said, "Hi". The man replied "Hi, may I help you." The lady said "Yes please, could you please give me a jump".

       At this the man was rather shocked, and sort of taken aback. He appeared to turn red, until he noticed the elderly gent in the car. Then he laughed and remarked that "Oh you mean that your car needs a jump start". The lady remarked "That's what I said". Later in the car when the puzzled lady narrated this incident to her husband, he almost drove off the road roaring with laughter. It was only after he explained what "jump" meant, that the lady turned red. In fact we discuss this incident almost every time we go to dinner at their place. By the way, she has never been to that shopping complex ever since this incident out of fear of bumping into that man!

Tailpiece : In the US you give someone a "call" not a "ring" on the telephone. A newly arrived Indian went to the university library looking
for a job, and had a long discussion with the lady in charge. While leaving he told her, "Well I'll give you a ring tommorrow." The lady was so stunned that she didn't speak for a few minutes, and then blurted out, "Isn't it a bit early for that?"

  
The following article is from The Hindustan Times, 10th July.   

Read more: Call, Don't Ring

Rules of the Road

Traveling on Indian Roads is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly exhilarating, always unforgettable -- and, when you are on the roads, extremely dangerous.

Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on a Sanskrit text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for the first time in English:

 

  • ARTICLE I:

    The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.

     

  • ARTICLE II:

    Indian traffic, like Indian society,is structured on a strict caste system. The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order, give way to:

     

  • Cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official cars, camels, light trucks, buffalo, jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods-carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.
  •  

  • ARTICLE III:

    All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the Indian drivers' mantra.

     

  • ARTICLE IV:

    Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet):

     

  • Cars (IV,1,a-c):

     

    1. Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, IE in clearing dogs, rickshaws and pedestrians from path.
    2. Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, IE to oncoming truck: "I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die". In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic).
    3. Single blast (casual) means: "I have seen someone out of India's 870 million whom I recognise", "There is a bird in the road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen)" or "I have not blown my horn for several minutes."

       

  • Trucks and buses (IV,2,a):

    All horn signals have the same meaning, viz: "I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I could." This signal may be emphasised by the use of headlamps.

  • Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in Article II above.

     

  • ARTICLE V:

    All manoeuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the last possible moment.

     

  • ARTICLE VI:

    In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall wear garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times.

     

  • ARTICLE VII:

     

    1. Rights of way:

      Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle.

       

    2. Lane discipline (VII,1):

      All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the centre of the road.

     

  • ARTICLE VIII:

    Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other impression should be ignored.

     

  • ARTICLE IX:

    Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken you.

    Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centres. No more than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are passing -- and one inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians.

     

  • ARTICLE X:

    Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.

     

  • ARTICLE XI:

    Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has reverse gear.

Read more: Rules of the Road

Top 10 Ways to Recognize an NRI

From: Krishna Prasad  (This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.)

     (May not apply towards NRIs returning from Gulf)

     10. One who requests the autorickshaw driver to drive slowly     and clutches the seat-cushion nervously.
      9. One who just bought a case of Bisleri mineral water.
      8. One who gets upset if the train is only six hours behind schedule.
      7. One who is nervously gazing at the Green channel at the Customs clearance of airport.
      6. One who prefers eating fruits to Poori at the train stations.
      5. Basically, any man who is changing a baby's diaper.
      4. One who does not wait, for the coolie at the train station, and hauls his/her own 30" suitcase.
      3. One who feels embarassed to run after the railway conductor, for reservation.
      2. One who says, "say cheese" when taking a picture.
      1. One who has gained more FREQUENT FLYER mileage from trips to the toilet.

Read more jokes

Read more: Top 10 Ways to Recognize an NRI